I met my partner on a blind date. I had just come out of an engagement, where my fiancée had cheated on me. We met on Christmas Eve in town for a drink and he said he had some Christmas shopping he had to do so I went with him. He bought some me some bits and a bear which he insisted I keep.
On our third date he bought me the record called ‘Everlasting Love’ and signed it saying he loved me. He was always turning up with gifts, despite me telling him he didn’t have to. After about 7 months he bought me an engagement ring and we planned the wedding for the following year.
We got married when I was 21 and the abuse started six months later. It began with him questioning where I was going to and who I was with. It escalated into him being critical and always picking fault. He then got physical.
He played on my caring nature and used his health issues as excuses for his behaviour, which became violent. He drank a lot every night and something would trigger him to give me a beating. He would apologise and say he didn’t mean it, it was because of his health issues and always reassured me it wouldn’t happen again. He’d tell me he was depressed and on occasions ring the Samaritans and promise to change. He never did.
Other occasions he would say it was my fault, I had spent too much money, I didn’t give him enough attention, I didn’t care about him and cared more about others, I spent too much time at work, the list is endless. There was always an excuse as to why it was never directly his fault.
You can help
On International Women’s Day, there will be 32 incidents of domestic abuse reported to police, but we know many will go unreported. We can help.
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And then there would be periods when he was absolutely attentive and nice putting me into a false sense of security that he had changed; but it would all start again. He controlled everything, the finances, where we would go, what I had to wear, he made friends with all of my friends and made out to be the doting husband.
My family never suspected. They thought how sad it was he had so many health issues and how wonderfully he coped with them. When he did have outbursts with family or friends they just put it down to him struggling with his health and not one of them associated that he could be violent towards me. Of course, I never told anyone as I was too ashamed. Even though I was exceptionally close to my mum, she had suffered abuse in her first marriage so there was no way I could tell her.
He isolated me from my family. He was always with me when I visited them and before visiting he would threaten me and tell me not to say anything. He convinced me that they wouldn’t believe me anyway.
I didn’t realise this was abuse. It was many years into our marriage when I did and only happened when my childhood best friend come back in to my life. I didn’t leave until two years later but abuse to me had become normal, so I don’t think I ever really realised it was abuse, just that I had to accept and live with it.
The abuse left me feeling completely worthless and broken. I was on the verge of ending my life as in my mind that was the only way to end my heartache, sadness and pain. Thankfully my best friend knew straight away that something was wrong and I opened up to her and she saved my life.
My best friend opened up my eyes to the truths of all of the control and abuse. Bit by bit she pieced me together, gave me strength and she asked me to promise her I wouldn’t let him harm me again. One night he threw a glass of cider at me, which just missed me, and threatened to kill me. I stood up to him because I knew I couldn’t break my promise to my best friend and he backed away- it was then that I knew I had the strength to leave, so that’s when I started to plan to leave him and find somewhere to go.
My best friend promised to support and help me find happiness again, she was constantly in touch with me irrespective of the time difference (she lives in California); supporting, guiding, building up my strength to the extent whereby I had enough and also the willpower to leave.
It was wonderful having her back in my life. Just as she had when we were kids, she protected me. I knew I could I knew I could trust her with my life.
My son was getting married and there was no way I would leave before then because I knew my ex would ruin his day. I found myself somewhere and left him straight after, without a penny in my pocket, few clothes a coffee table a few other bits and my car, that was me done. The attempts at control and abuse didn’t stop there and would continue.
He still controlled all the finances and would visit where I lived shouting abuse or intimidate me by being parked across the street.
For me final closure was divorce and changing my name back to my maiden name. That proved extremely difficult because he didn’t work and hadn’t for 30 years; I was told I had to keep him in the life he was accustomed to which meant I had to pay the mortgage and give him an allowance every month. Initially I still didn’t have any control as we still had a joint bank account – he took all the money and put it into a ‘secret’ savings account for himself.
He falsely promised through his solicitor that he would take over the mortgage and I thought ‘here we go, finally’ but he never paid the mortgage and arrears accrued. I was the one constantly in touch with the bank as he wouldn’t answer their calls.
I managed to stop the house being repossessed and finally it was sold and then between solicitors we came to an agreement. I finally got my divorce and few months after changed my name back to my maiden name.
When my family heard about the abuse, they were horrified and felt a lot of guilt because they never questioned or suspected anything.
My life is wonderful now and I couldn’t have dreamed of being as happy as I am. I don’t have much but I live in a lovely place, I still speak daily to my best friend and I go out to California and she comes over here so we see each other regularly.
My relationship with my brother and kids is simply the best; we are all incredibly close, I now feel like the mum and sister I should always have been. I have a good job. My kids are very kind, gentle, caring individuals who have done incredibly well despite everything both of whom I am immensely proud of.
My abuse has led to me campaigning for better rights for women, I have published a book and become a Trustee at Staying Put- all dreams come true. My campaigning continues especially through my job as I know I am not the only one to have suffered abuse.
I wish I had left him years ago but I believe everything happens for a reason. I strongly believe my reason is for me to try and help others; I am lucky and proud to be a survivor.
To anyone experiencing domestic abuse- take that first giant leap of a baby step and put your trust in someone and open up to them; or if you feel there isn’t anyone you can go to then get in touch with amazing charities such as Staying Put and Women’s Aid, they are there to help and advise and more importantly ensure your safety.
It’s never too late to start again and there is always someone there who will help you if you are in an abusive relationship, everyone deserves their own piece of happiness.
*Name has been changed
You can help
On International Women’s Day, there will be 32 incidents of domestic abuse reported to police, but we know many will go unreported. We can help.
On the 8th March we’re asking you to pledge to have a Brew With Your Bestie, then donate the cost of the brew to us.